Quite the morning. I woke up around 10, because I was up until about 2 last night, just fooling around and being stupid online. I did get some Personal Progress done, and that felt really great; I didn't get everything done this weekend that I wanted to, but I did get a lot more done than I would have this time a year ago. Like, a lot more, and that felt really good. So anyway, back to this morning. I was taking some trash out when I came upon this absolutely adorable little cat, she was really just the cutest thing, and she was so, so friendly; I learned later on that she's one of the teacher's cats, actually the riding instructor's, so I'm anticipating further interaction with little miss cuddle. I took pictures of her for a while, and we just sat in the sun while I pet her, but after a while she went off after a grasshopper and I went back to taking pictures of other things. Then, when I was up by some of the maintenance buildings, this lady drives up in a car, asks me what I'm doing, and long story short, we ended up going up to the pond so I could take a bunch of pictures of her dog in the water. It was kind of funny; she just talked and talked and talked, but she was very nice. We ended up getting along pretty well, and she's invited me over to her house and everything. It turns out her husband is the grounds manager here.

So yeah, just a rather strange morning. And really, kind of a strange weekend all around. For some reason, I'm really into the whole concept of homeschooling right now; I've been looking stuff up, researching all weekend, and I gotta say, it's been interesting. I feel like parents have become entirely too detached from their kids' education. It's like we send our children off to these giant buildings, with hundreds if not thousands of other kids, and expect these strangers to teach them everything they need to know about life. And it's not like you learn everything that you need to in school anyways; when is there ever a class on mending clothes, or using jumper cables, or balancing a checkbook? We waste so much of our time sending our children off to places where no one ever focuses anyway, where most kids go to do or plan things like hooking up and drinking, and parents assume that we're going to get all the life skills we need just from doing that. I want to have my kids learning in a streamlined environment, where they learn (and learn well) the basics of what they need to function well in the world. I want to be able to be their primary educator, along with my future husband, and I want to educate them in a way where they really do understand the priorities in life, because that is where learning should start: in the home. I guess my only main concern with that would be how that would influence my children's social development, if that makes sense. I want them to grow up being familiar with the world, and fully capable of interacting with any and all people they may meet. I want them to feel confident in social situations, like they're capable of being dropped in a new place and getting to know people easily. I don't want them to fall into the stereotype of homeschooled kids: awkward nutjobs who don't have any friends. I want them to be normal, well-adapted children who just happen to understand that God ought to be the focus of all things we do.

Does that make me a nutjob? IDEK. Off to go finish APUSH homework and do laundry.
Mmmmkay, so I went on one of the buses to Wal-Mart today, right? Totally normal, right? So I'm just there, buying stuff like soap and crackers and pads, when who should I run into in the tampon aisle but the incredibly attractive assistant football coach who drove the bus today. Yep, him. And we made eye contact. OH THE INDIGNITY OF IT ALL! I mean really, of all the people I could run into, it had to be him. '-_- Then once I'd managed to get everything I needed and I got up to the checkout, my card wouldn't go through because my mother fails at life and hadn't put the money on it that she was supposed to. Great, just great. Nothing like humiliating myself in the middle of a Wal-Mart supercenter, no-sir-ee. All in all, this day has not exactly been a good one. Oh, and I called my grandmother! Because I absolutely LOVE doing that! /sarcasm. I swear she is the single most insufferable woman I have ever met, grumble grumble grumble. Of course, then I feel bad for hating to communicate with her, because she's my grandmother and I'm supposed to like talking to her, when all I really want to do is never communicate with her ever again, so I feel guilty and selfish on top of annoyed. Good times.

My roommate's mum just dropped her off for the week, and it's so strange; V can't stand her, but I absolutely love her. She's the kind of person that I really wish I had for a mother. But isn't that how it works? We can't stand our own parents, but everyone else's parents are just great. Her mum said that I could talk to her at any time, that she would pick up anything I needed, and she even added me on Facebook, which I actually think is really sweet. I would love to try to cultivate some sort of friendship with her, but I'm scared that V will think that I'm betraying her or something by actually making friends with the woman she can't stand. Gaaaah, conflicted here! It's so weird; I hate my mum's boyfriend, and I would be so damn happy to see him leave, but when I look at V's mum, I just feel bad that her man cheated on her and turned out to be such a tool. It's weird, because I totally understand how V feels right now, but I just don't feel that way. I probably should. :/ It's weird how it's so difficult to forgive those closest to us. I wish it wasn't that way.

I'm currently loading Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because I'm in a very unproductive mood. It's being incredibly stupid; it'll load up through the first minute just fine, and then it totally spazzes and takes like a minute to load ten seconds. WORK, DAMMIT, I NEED DISTRACTIONS FROM THE HORROR THAT IS REAL LIFE. FM-fracking-L. Of course, I could go do something productive like put my sheets in the wash or take out the trash, but oh, that would be too good of me, wouldn't it? And yes, I do still have my Bio lab report and APUSH homework from the past three weeks, all of which is due on Tuesday. Because I'm just productive and talented like that, right? Right.
Holy crap I should not be up this early. I'm in a rather difficult place right now; I feel like I'm going to totally lose it in a minute. I'm really, really regretting having the parental unit come with me; it would be easier if we just did this like a band-aid, and just yanked it off in one fell swoop. But no, instead we have to drag it out for days on end. I'm ready to just be gone and off on my own, but she insists on making this a big deal. She still doesn't realize that this is the end, that when I come back for Thanksgiving it's just gonna be to grab the last few things and get rid of everything else. It's only 6:20 in the morning and we're already bitching at each other, joy of joys. She refused to check more than two bags, so now we're lugging around an obscene amount of stuff.

We're driving down to Tucson after getting into Phoenix, and Auntie said she'd take me to get riding boots, which is nice because the parental unit wouldn't be able to advise me if her life depended on it.

Off to go read DW news, update my profile and then turn off my computer. We're boarding.

Shit.


I don't really have the motivation right now to think. I went to a little "goodbye party" with the girls from church this evening; we went out for froyo, and while the actual activity was beyond fabulous, I was kinda in denial the whole time about how I was going to be leaving so soon. It was a bit of a punch to the gut, after I got home. I did have a little bit of a meltdown this afternoon; I just got so mad that parental unit, at the way she was acting. I'm really regretting the decision to go down early, to go to Tucson, because I have absolutely no chance of getting ready in time. I actually managed to get a bunch done today, including getting a bunch of books cleared out. I really do need to step up progress, simply because there's still just a ton. I haven't yet talked to the parental unit about how this is the end, so she doesn't really understand why exactly I feel the need to get everything out already.

Also, I found a new trailer for HP 7, and I might have gotten all choked up. It was bad.




Do you really have to act so incredibly immature? Do you really have to ignore me completely when I'm asking if you would, in future, please not dismantle the things I put together to make school easier, just so you can use my supplies? No, no you don't. You don't have to think that the whole damn world revolves around you. You can take a moment to evaluate how I might be feeling right now: scared, abandoned, alone. You can take a moment to realize that yes, I will be walking out of your house soon, and that I won't ever come back for more than a few weeks at a time. Ah, but you're probably glad I'm leaving, and that you'll no longer have to deal with me. Great.

I leave on the 21st. That's in a week. Oh my gosh, I'm really not ready for this. I just had a random idea as I was stalking the Duggar family's website again: I want to wear only skirts. Yes, it's incredibly late to be making this decision, but I'm hoping I can allocate a few long skirts, either denim or khaki, that I can try to work into my wardrobe. I just want simple, modest clothing, few possessions, and a cowboy hat. It sounds so blissfully simple. I mean, call me ridiculously idealistic, but I think this is beautiful:



A room full of sisters, all dressed modestly, all groomed beautifully. FFFFFFFFFFFFFF why am I getting so soft about this?!? Why does this make so irrationally happy?!? It probably has something to do with the fact that it's now after 1 AM, and that I have to get up at 7 to go get my ID, to make flying easier. I'm currently watching the Colbert Report and browsing I Can Has Cheezburger, appreciating my last few days of freedom. I wonder if I could get away with not getting an ID card; perhaps my passport hasn't expired? Could I use that? Unnnnnnggggggggg do not want to get up early. Will go check in a minute.

Once I get motivated to stand up.

Also, Stephen Colbert, do you really feel the need to make me feel even more conflicted about gay marriage? Do you? Not really ending my evening on a positive note.

*goes off to read Cookleta and be a hypocrite, welcome to her life*


tsquee: (Twilight - Rain)
( Aug. 10th, 2010 07:32 pm)
Here I was, going about standard (slackerish) business, when my parental unit proceeds to come down the stairs and begin to lecture me about how I'm always rude to her, and that I'm clearly not rude to other people, and that I'm the source of all grief and strife in her life, and that she just doesn't understand why I turned out this way and that she just hopes I'll someday learn some manners. It hit me harder than it really should have; next thing I knew I was crying like a baby, and once the old hag went on a walk, I just totally lost it. How many times can someone break your heart into a million little pieces before it's too cracked to work anymore?

It just made me realize that I really am going to be leaving this house, and I'm never really going to come back. I'm going to pack everything I need to make it, nothing more, nothing less, and then I'm going to get dropped off at school in Arizona and that'll be the end of this whole mother-daughter thing. That, of course, means that I'm actually going to have to begin really packing and getting things together. I'm strangely okay with it; I think I've realized that this is how it is, that it's not going to get any better, and that the only thing I can do at this point is work to put myself in a place that won't cause either of us any more pain. I'm actually excited to get packing, even if it's going to be ridiculously hard. Just looking around my room, there's so much I want to take with me, but I know I can't; I've got to go with the bare minimum, with only what I need not only for my last year of high school but whatever I might need to take with me from here for college.

I ought to go shower and continue ignoring Ms. MyDaughterIsAFailure.


Tags:
Mum's getting home in just a few hours, and the entire basement is a complete mess. I'm trying to figure out what I should do to at least make it look like I've done something this week. I've got my whole bedroom torn apart, so I'm thinking I'll try to just get the rest of the house looking good, and then shove all the junk under the bed and try to make it look like I'm getting organized. Oooooh, I'll grab the duffle bags from upstairs, that'll make it look like I'm actually packing.

I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm feeling quite loopy. Loopy enough, in fact, to want to make a Toothless plushy. I found a pattern for one that's about 3 feet long, so I fully intend to make it. I've watched several infomercials today, and found a rather obscene number of items I want to purchase. Also had a minor freak-out regarding my old school, after Facebook stalking a number of people. It's kind of amazing how distant I am from everyone there now. That was my home. I had a place there. I had a group and a family and I knew where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do, and in some strange way, I still feel like I'm operating on that. IDK.

Must go wake my self up and get things cleaned before the parental unit gets home.


tsquee: ♥ (someone stands up)
( Jul. 30th, 2010 03:53 am)
I officially decided to pull an all-nighter, if only to watch How To Train Your Dragon again. I gotta say, that just might be one of my favorite movies ever. Toothless is so incredibly adorable, and it's nice to see such a good message in a really well-done movie. I've gone on a bit of a merchandise-finding spree; so far I've got a backpack and a blanket that I really want, especially for school this fall. I'm also watching a bunch of Toothless-themed AMVs, because I'm tacky like that.

I tolerated dinner with Granny last night, just to get her to get off my back. I honestly don't see how I was able to ever spend time with her; she's still going on about how she thinks it was a good thing that I wasn't accepted into the National Guard program. And while she does have a right to think whatever she wants about that program, but every time she says that I'm reminded of how much I felt like crap when I first learned I wasn't in; it's like, do you really need to shove in my face that I didn't get into something I really wanted to? It sucked enough to have Deborah tell me that getting a diploma from a place like that wasn't even worth it. Granny keeps saying that she's gonna miss me, and that she doesn't know what she's going to do without me up in Oregon, and it makes me feel like crap because I'm just so damn excited to get away from her, and I would happily go months without any contact with her. I know I should feel differently, but I just don't.

I got a hold of several bunches of church-themed movies, including a documentary on locations in the Book of Mormon. I know I shouldn't need scientific proof to maintain my faith, but it really does help. I definitely feel differently than I did before; I actually have no desire to go to Lexi's b-day this weekend, just because I know there's going to be things there that the Lord wouldn't approve of. I told her I'd go, but I'm debating trying to get out of it. Plus I'm just feeling extra pathetic lately; I think it has to do with the fact that I know I'm gonna be leaving soon, and all I want to do is sit here and be pathetic and alone while I actually have the chance to. I pulled a bunch of clothes out of my closet today, just to get an idea of what I need to get. So far, I need collared shirts, bras, underwear, and socks. Oh joy.

The immigration debate has gotten really intense in these past couple of days, because the feds delayed AZ's new law. It's rather amazing how much my views have changed in the past few years; if you had told me five years ago that I would be whole-heartedly supporting this law, I would've laughed in your face. Between that and abortion, my views are just so incredibly different.

I need to go do wash. At 4:30 in the morning. Also, this guy in the K-Mart Sunday circular from last week is really, really cute. I intend to watch Jerry Springer and sleep today. And I'm quite excited about changing my location on my profile. Blah blah blah, I should stop talking.


"Thank you for nothing, you useless reptile."



I survived Gardening with Granny, and was even able to remain (mostly) cheerful and friendly throughout the whole ordeal! Quite a success, I must say. Of course, I also got lunch and $10 bucks out of it. Mum & I flying out Sunday morning at 5 AM for Phoenix, so I have to have everything ready tomorrow. In true OCD fashion, I've got lists of a) everything that I need to do and b) everything I need to pack. I intend to get up at 5:30 AM tomorrow so I can crash early tomorrow night.

I finally saw Mr. Crazy Psychiatrist today after, like, a month, and he says I should be able to come off the meds soon. :) I also worked on my dress for Trek, and I'm happy to say that I'm getting more and more attached to it. I leave for Trek the day after I get back from the Southwest, so hopefully I won't be too completely exhausted. Of course, that means I also have to pack for Trek tomorrow. STRESS.

On an entirely different topic: call me crazy, but I feel like my biological clock is already ticking. I caught a little bit of Wife Swap this evening, and it got me really thinking about family and home life and how I want to live in the future. The more I think about it, the more I want to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool my (hopefully) numerous kids. I absolutely hate the idea that a stay-at-home mom is somehow "behind" her working counterparts; I think it's very honerable for anyone, male or female, to dedicate their time and energy, without salary, to raising and educating the next generation. IDK, I realize I'm entirely too young to be thinking about this sort of thing, but that's the point: I'm just 17!!! Why am I so concerned with this? Of course, go back a few centuries and I would already be married with two kids. It's amazing how quickly the world's standards can change. I just look at that full-length dress I'm wearing to Trek and I compare it with the miniskirts you see today, and it's like two different planets.

Ending on a hilarious and slightly racist note, I came across this while checking out the most-watched videos on YouTube:




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